Digging up the past: Helpful or harmful?

Picturing therapy- there is often an image of a patient reclining on a sofa and the therapist asking about their childhood. And if you have decided to start therapy for the first time, chances are that while it was something that happened recently which prompted you to go, you may end up telling your therapist about your childhood. It can be confusing why therapists focus so much on the past and are so intent on exploring it in therapy. It may seem like digging up the past is irrelevant at best and at worst, unnecessarily painful to dredge up.

One important reason to talk about the past is because of how intricately connected it is to our present and impact our future. Much of what we identify with, how we think and how we behave is naturally derived from our past experiences whether that be from the distant or more recent past. We explain and make sense of ourselves and the immediate world around us by attributing cause and effect. Something happened, resulting in the current situation. Take being in a fearful situation as an example; when I get curious about my first experiences of fearful situations, I may explore what I was implicitly or explicitly told to explain it at that time, what the adults around me ended up doing in that situation, and the kind of story I have since told myself to explain it. Having this information from the past helps me understand how I tend to think and behave about present situations that bring up similar feelings.

When we look to the past with the intention to relate it back to our present, it can be an incredibly meaningful and ‘sense-making’ process. Gaining an understanding about why we think or act the way we do gives us clarity and a way to see it from a distance. That distance is helpful in freeing up some space between ourselves and the situation so that we may have more perspective and choice to respond in a way that is more helpful for us now. The things we needed in the past, may no longer be what we need now. Ways of reacting in the past when we were younger, may no longer serve us as an adult.

Sometimes, if our past has been especially painful or difficult, we may understandably want to distance ourselves from it. However, the more we try to avoid or bury the past, the more we ignore the parts of us that experienced the hurt and pain. When this happens, we can understand why people have angry outbursts and big blow ups over trivial matters, or why people may suddenly find themselves unable to stop crying; our body is very much keeping the score and will seek to get our attention in ways that make it an imperative that we tend to the parts of us that is wounded or hurting.

A deliberate and meaningful exploration of one’s history involves being in a safe environment and having the right set of tools to pick out specific significant events. The purpose is to understand how one came to be this way in the ‘here and now’ with a view towards a more expansive and healthy future. Taking a look at the past is about thoughtfully making use of important pieces of information to guide us into the kind of future we want for ourselves. Sometimes, it can also be about learning how to contain difficult or uncomfortable feelings associated with the past and discerning between how it felt then versus how it feels now. Exploring the past should never be forced if you do not feel ready or equipped with the right tools. It should also not be about arbitrarily re-experiencing and suffering through painful memories or feelings as a way to 'feel better’.

It is understandable to feel uncomfortable and even afraid to confront our past if the memories are painful or difficult to make sense of. We can feel overwhelmed, confused and powerless over our thoughts about it. However, exploring our history with the right intention means we can reassign meaning and create more helpful narratives about it. By redefining what happened to us for ourselves, we become more empowered to take responsibility for our lives and shape the future we want. We can look back to our past, safe in the knowledge that while we cannot change what happened, we are capable of facing it in order to redefine ourselves and own our future.